Saturday, July 21, 2007

Hanging In There..... Barely

I wish I could figure out what's wrong with me. Everytime I get into a stressful situation, all my healthy habits get chucked out the window, even though I know that keeping my weight down would help me weather life's storms so much better. And yet I'm at the drive-thru as soon as I leave work, or heading straight for the grocery store to stock up on junk food to stuff my face with all night. It makes absolutely NO SENSE. So now I've ballooned back up to almost 200 lbs. Definitely far from my highest weight ever, but still..... I was SO CLOSE to my goal weight earlier this year. I'm the classic example of self-sabatoging behavior.

What's been stressing me out? I'm switching careers, and I'm scared to death. I'm really excited, but I oscillate minute-by-minute between feeling scared and excited, so I'm constantly on-edge this month. I'm going to be teaching high school this fall, and I've never taught a single thing in my life. That also means that I had to give notice this month at my current job, something I've never had to do before, and that was stressful as well. It's really awkward going into work right now, knowing that I'll be leaving in a few days, and knowing that some of my coworkers will miss me (and I'm going to miss them so much, too), while others are upset that I'm leaving them at a really busy time for the business. I've also been stressing about getting older, I'm starting to find the gray hairs, everyone around me is having kids, and I don't have any yet, etc., etc. AND with all that going on inside my head, my husband has been gone the entire month of July with the ship. So no help or support whatsoever, other than a rare email every now and then.

So yesterday I finally put a stop to the madness. My back has been hurting a LOT for a few weeks now with the strain of weight-gain, as well as stiffness from not having working out for almost a month. I've also been withdrawing more and more from going out in public (unless I have to for work), simply because I'm so self-conscious about being heavier, and of course none of my clothes fit right now. In fact, when I told a couple of coworkers earlier this month that I had some news, one of them asked if I was pregnant before I could tell them that my news was that I would be leaving the company! I was MORTIFIED at how obvious my sudden weight gain had been. I'd say I'm just taking it one day at a time, but it's more like one minute at a time. Even as I write, I'm feeling dizzy from sugar and fast-food withdrawal. I just got back from the grocery store and stocked up on fresh produce and other low-carb staples, hoping that it would help motivate me. I'm hoping to make it to the gym today, but I figured I'd wait until tonight because it's near-empty on Saturday nights. I'm just so embarassed about being heavier again, and the last thing I want to do is go huff-and-puff on a treadmill in front of beach bodies. My goal right now is just to make it through the rest of the day.

For now I'm hanging in there, just like that cute little squirrel in the pic. We inherited hanging plants from some friends that just moved away last month (more stress!!), and now our balcony is a forest/circus with all the wildlife that the plants and new birdfeeders are attracting. Safe to say my cat is VERY happy with all the new entertainment outside.

And now for the damage:


Jimmy Moore said...

I tagged you today in a game of Blog-Tag!

Breadless MrsB said...

Gee, thanks, Jimmy - hehe. Now I just have to figure out how to "tag" someone.....